i've been accused of being a controlling person, but i never feel like i have a grasp on anything. selfish but not controlling. i need a cat to tickle and chase around the apartment, then i might accept the label. i always want my very own kitty kat when i'm lonely and bored and blue. cats don't acknowledge "controlling". they're too selfish.

my plants are way cute but they don't reciprocate much. sometimes i put toys and candies in their pot.

the new carissa's wierd album is a real dream. and i'm liking the new radiohead. i like to imagine that the media is too ignorant to really get into it despite the marketing campaign and that nobody but me really listens to it. me and my plants. me and phil and jade. blissfully rooted together and being cool in our own little way.

i've been feeling, on a very deep psychological level, repulsed at the idea of moving to california. or moving anywhere for that matter. this is breaking hearts. i feel guilty but i also feel defiant. there was a time when i thought i could do it, and that's when i was able to give m the most of myself. now i'm just confused. hello again, confusion! confused is a great blanket emotion for everything from anxiety to denial to cold-heartedness.

i hold her close to my heart but i can't hold her close to my body.