i've been away awhile. from the diary. from the well-nursed blister that is my day-to-dayness. or, was my day-to-dayness.

i came back from cali on, i think, thursday night. it was odd to be back, to walk home feeling like maybe this beautiful city that i love won't feel like my home anymore.

northern california is permeated with this wonderful aura. it must be generated from the hippies up in the communes, but it's spread all over. i felt it as soon as i got out of the airplane, last week. c and shy were there at the airport, waiting for me. c, he's the right size for his age; cute, lanky, a total lady killer. so much energy. a swarm of life. shy was there with e in her arms. madonna and child.

we drove up north to shy's. i let c use my fancy camera. by the time we'd arrived, he'd learned to change the disks, delete pictures, and make movies with it. he's quick with gadgets, just like his pa, and totally took some good shots. sadly the batteries ran out that first night and i didn't think to bring the damned charger. so i don't have a whole lotta pictures. grr. we all tripped to the bear for dinner, and all fell asleep. it was a deep sleep. a real sleep. a father's sleep.

on saturday we met up with j and tab's other boy, s. they are all such little dreams. i've never been around a whole ton of children so it was totally overwhelming at first. they're so about energy and attention and living the moment to the fullest. they are amazement and exhaustion all at once. and *so* damned cute.

tab and i got along well. very little wierdness, if any. she looks beautiful as ever. a little tired, maybe - or rather, i think it was wisdom. she's a master of obfuscating her inner self - a skill she'd learned the hard way. she seemed very real and secure to me, tho i haven't held the key to her innerness in years.

i used to live in nocal. i love the land but my life was difficult at that time. i moved back here under duress. maybe i thought that if the land was more difficult, it would be easier to love my life. i dunno. whatever.

on saturday night shy, chris, and i visited the bar where she works. we all talked, laughed, stole green olives, and made ourselves generally tipsy. in walks two of shy's friends and m.

m.

love at first sight is an odd thing. it doesn't fully count, i think, if they see you and then you see them, or visa versa. or, rather, it's at its strongest, most mind blowing, when your life feels naggingly askew and there is something missing. there's a kind of sad darkness enveloping your spirit and then suddenly you open your eyes and they meet another pair of eyes which you've never seen before -- except in dreams. those eyes have just opened into yours. together you feel the wholeness you've been craving since being kicked out of the womb. the entire world is under water but you don't notice within your bubble of warm air.

m.

we spent that night together, and many more. i stayed 4 days longer than i'd intended to. swept off my feet, memorably sore, and dreaming under the table.