this little 'vacation' of mine has afforded me way too much time to think about myself. i wish i had bothered to save more money because i'd much rather be on the road not thinking anything at all. too much self-reflection makes me nauseous. when i'm like this i usually love to just pick a general direction and drive. i'm getting old... i sit around and watch movies now. it doesn't help that my heart is currently 1500 miles away from me at the moment. that's a long fucking drive. luckily, the video store is just 2 blocks away. new releases are $1.89 for two nights.
larry and i had the best time yesterday at the beach. the scary beach. the beach where all the houses that slid off the cliff rest. we haven't talked like that in ages. usually we just grunt together and talk about motorcycles and toys and gagets. yesterday we talked about *everything*. insecurities, art, fame, christine, india, his travels in europe, our dysfunctional past's, me growing up in suburbaia and he in the country, my single-child-ness and his massive family, and other miscellaneous boy stuff. it's been a long time since we've connected. not since he helped me recover from daphne.
daphne hated larry. she had him all wrong. she thought he was too self-centered. i'm beginning to realize that she is the most selfish person i've ever known. she didn't hate larry as a person, she hated him as a team hates an opposing team. she fought for every minute of my attention. i really resented that but i didn't understand, then, what was going on.
...
i just chatted with jeshua and his aunt. i wish i could, for a day, just turn into a little kid and go play with them.
and i want to be addictive, i want to be secure, i want to wake up after the night before. but do you get me? do you ever get me? i'm a stone inside a box, a spring inside a clock, you can wear me on your wrist and i'll tell you things ten thousand times. but do you get me? do you ever get me?