you need big googly eyes. not the funk face you get from your uppers and downers and all rounders. i mean the kind of eyes you had when you knew the wild is just so damn big and you were bewildered by the majesty of mountains and oceans and long long stretches of highway. i miss the horrified looks you'd make while you indulged me in a scary movie. and the funny faces you made when i could make you laugh which made me laugh and you and so on until something gets spilled. but it's all a struggle for you now, as every bad thing that could happen has made you hard and self-hating. stabbed and dosed. rearranged. your eyes, like poked anemones.

when i woke up, it was 3am. the tv was too loud. on a plate on your belly you were landscaping warm brie with apple slices.