all kinds of words are stuck in my throat. kind words. bitter words. words of regret and sadness. short words, long words. red words, green words. words that stem from madness.

i was in love with someone that felt out of reach. i would not allow myself to feel blessed, and realize that there was no fight to be fought. the distance i had to cross was measured in miles of faith. a thing i tend to lack. that, and self-assuredness. i fucked up. i will always be upset about this. i will always feel my heart stop when i see someone who reminds me of india. alone, curled up in blankets, smoking in the dark; a part of me drifts off into an alternate time-line. it snows there, but we are strong and warm.

this is how unstable i have been since december: i have broken up with m twice since we've met. afraid of the fullness. hiding myself from the realness. panicked that i'll find out later that we won't truly connect. unable to just close my eyes and step off over our edge.

now i feel like i've finally relaxed. welcomed happiness into my life. it's wierd. like this new appendage. i'm not entirely comfortable with it and sometimes it still falls off and i have to put it back in place before anyone notices.

there are no promises. it could end tomorrow. but not because i'm not perfect.